If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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