so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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