the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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