just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
