Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
