I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
