hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
