I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
