i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
