Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
