theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
