I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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