What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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