I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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