Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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