haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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