mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize
