Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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