I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
