Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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