I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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