Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
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I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
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My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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