there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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