true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
