Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
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