I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
