So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
