remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
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He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
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But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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