Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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