Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
