I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
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They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
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Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
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