Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
