Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
