dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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