She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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