well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
