Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize