we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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