well you can't waste a boner
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
