cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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