i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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