I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
