What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
