I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
