Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
