I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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