Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
