She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
cat food counts as protein by the way
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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