We named our party play list daddy issues
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The power of my boobs compel you
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
