so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
