one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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