Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
