Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
