I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.