im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
